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Current Mood: 😓 Exhausted
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Listening to: Deftone - Diamond Eyes
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This has been such a sideways month....the year started off so well but I can't count on my family, particularly my mother to stay sane for more than a second. The good news is I got my self an apartment. An I'm completely disowning my family as a whole. There is just a pattern I've noticed since I was a teen with my mother. Of this on and off, I love and support you then demonizing me if I call her out on her conspiracy/anti-vax head space. An I cant say I haven't tried with this women. I have tried since I was 14 and even more so in my entire 20's till recently. It's okay for me to admit my mother is just a god damn nut job. An I'm more than okay admitting she is a narcissistic mother with mental illness that she does not want to address because she herself does not believe mental illness even exists due to her conspiracy theorist head space.
I really thought coming out as trans was a bonding moment for us. I really thought, finally she is listening and we are having a break through. Only for her to throw it in my face when she needed to use it against me. The pattern is not new and I couldn't see how she could throw my own admission...among other things in my face when its my truth. Now After all of this and me finding a new apartment, which I will be moving into soon in about 2 1/2 weeks. I had to ask my asian side some concerning questions... was my mother always like this? Even prior to my birth. What do you know... the same bullshit my mother has been pulling on me for years was shit she pulled on my father. Tons of lies on that man. Mind you most was revealed during and after my dads funeral. Though her patterns are more confirmed after asking my uncle about her and telling him everything that happened between my mom and me the beginning of February.
I'm a bit shocked because I knew my mother was a bit off but I blamed it on unchecked mental illness for the longest. Now I can not give her that excuse anymore. I'm really starting to see she is just out right evil and she does things only for her and no one else. An if you correct her horrible abusive behaviour even towards others in the family she throws violent fits. This can be verbal, mental, or even physical which she does all in one go. An all of what she has done to me she has done to my father which is no wonder he stayed away and snuck to see me only when I was over my grams house (his mother). A lot of things are adding up and its just sad it became clear now well over a decade.
I feel with people who arn't blood, it's easy for me to pick up abusive natures and dead the growing bond without hesitation. Yet with my own mother I have given her chances upon chances that just doesn't add up with how I deal with this at its core just because I held out hope because she is my mother. This time around I will not do this. My step father told me that when things cool down I'm welcomed to move back and in my honest opinion....I'm happy she showed the worst side of her colors for me to completely disown her. I have had many times of moving out and moving back in even more so because she weasels her way back into my emotions. I just have to face reality that she will never change. She does not want a bond in the slightest. What she wants is control over me and tbh the signs were always visible. My stupid wear my heart on my sleeves havin ass just didnt want to see it and was completely rose tinted.
