★Listening to: Deftone - Diamond Eyes
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This has been such a sideways month....the year started off so well but I can't count on my family, particularly my mother to stay sane for more than a second. The good news is I got my self an apartment. An I'm completely disowning my family as a whole. There is just a pattern I've noticed since I was a teen with my mother. Of this on and off, I love and support you then demonizing me if I call her out on her conspiracy/anti-vax head space. An I cant say I haven't tried with this women. I have tried since I was 14 and even more so in my entire 20's till recently. It's okay for me to admit my mother is just a god damn nut job. An I'm more than okay admitting she is a narcissistic mother with mental illness that she does not want to address because she herself does not believe mental illness even exists due to her conspiracy theorist head space.
I really thought coming out as trans was a bonding moment for us. I really thought, finally she is listening and we are having a break through. Only for her to throw it in my face when she needed to use it against me. The pattern is not new and I couldn't see how she could throw my own admission...among other things in my face when its my truth. Now After all of this and me finding a new apartment, which I will be moving into soon in about 2 1/2 weeks. I had to ask my asian side some concerning questions... was my mother always like this? Even prior to my birth. What do you know... the same bullshit my mother has been pulling on me for years was shit she pulled on my father. Tons of lies on that man. Mind you most was revealed during and after my dads funeral. Though her patterns are more confirmed after asking my uncle about her and telling him everything that happened between my mom and me the beginning of February.
I'm a bit shocked because I knew my mother was a bit off but I blamed it on unchecked mental illness for the longest. Now I can not give her that excuse anymore. I'm really starting to see she is just out right evil and she does things only for her and no one else. An if you correct her horrible abusive behaviour even towards others in the family she throws violent fits. This can be verbal, mental, or even physical which she does all in one go. An all of what she has done to me she has done to my father which is no wonder he stayed away and snuck to see me only when I was over my grams house (his mother). A lot of things are adding up and its just sad it became clear now well over a decade.
I feel with people who arn't blood, it's easy for me to pick up abusive natures and dead the growing bond without hesitation. Yet with my own mother I have given her chances upon chances that just doesn't add up with how I deal with this at its core just because I held out hope because she is my mother. This time around I will not do this. My step father told me that when things cool down I'm welcomed to move back and in my honest opinion....I'm happy she showed the worst side of her colors for me to completely disown her. I have had many times of moving out and moving back in even more so because she weasels her way back into my emotions. I just have to face reality that she will never change. She does not want a bond in the slightest. What she wants is control over me and tbh the signs were always visible. My stupid wear my heart on my sleeves havin ass just didnt want to see it and was completely rose tinted.
I feel with people who arn't blood, it's easy for me to pick up abusive natures and dead the growing bond without hesitation. Yet with my own mother I have given her chances upon chances that just doesn't add up with how I deal with this at its core just because I held out hope because she is my mother. This time around I will not do this. My step father told me that when things cool down I'm welcomed to move back and in my honest opinion....I'm happy she showed the worst side of her colors for me to completely disown her. I have had many times of moving out and moving back in even more so because she weasels her way back into my emotions. I just have to face reality that she will never change. She does not want a bond in the slightest. What she wants is control over me and tbh the signs were always visible. My stupid wear my heart on my sleeves havin ass just didnt want to see it and was completely rose tinted.
Some good reminders and signs of her toxic ways is;
coercion/threats - There has been times I have dropped charges on her just because she is my mother. Or threatening to manipulate my mental health against me to paint me basically crazy. Which if that was true I would've had a record of doing this for years and I have 0. Though being mentally ill I felt she could do this with my therapy records alone. Only to find out all things between a mental health doctor and their patient is extremely private. Now that I know this I know she has no power.
She hated that. She pried so hard after sessions to ask me what I spoke about which would piss her off when I told her no. Knowing she would spin it like she was a doctor and knew better. Lets just say she would try and debunk what a trained doctor would say for her snake oil bs and she hated when I called her on it. You can not look shit up on youtube and think you are a doctor. Which would piss her off even when it's the god damn truth.
Intimidation - Which she did a ton in my teen years. However what she ended up doing was give me reactionary ptsd. Instead of always being fearful of her, she made me defensive even worse if someone got physical with me.. I would 100% retaliate right back to protect myself. This did not work out for her in my 20's at all. Which is why you don't beat children...
Emotional abuse - Gosh where do I fucking begin with this shit with her..even from a distance she seemed to have her claws in me. An only because I left a line of communication between us for the simple fact of "she's my mother". It could be from small thing to throwing back trauma I told her in confidence against me when I didn't do things she wanted me to do. Just to control every aspect of my life.
Isolation - for the longest time she was like this in my teen years until my 20's. And when she couldn't anymore because I would just shut her up about it. She would make off handed comments that were insanely negative to who ever I was seeing be it friends, potential dating, or even relationships. Even stating I had no one when I obviously did and still do. Very gaslighting and manipulative.
Isolation - for the longest time she was like this in my teen years until my 20's. And when she couldn't anymore because I would just shut her up about it. She would make off handed comments that were insanely negative to who ever I was seeing be it friends, potential dating, or even relationships. Even stating I had no one when I obviously did and still do. Very gaslighting and manipulative.
Denying and blaming - Lets face it, this women never will say sorry for a damn thing she has ever done. An she has done a lot of wrong to me and other people. I would sit and explain a literal list she has done to me and my brother and she will sit there and try to paint my brother like a golden child and me as a fuck up. When one, my bother has had many attempts and break downs cause of her pressure and abusive manipulation alone. An me well, I was the practice child so I got it all. Also attempted multiple times just to escape the abuse. God forbid you call her on it she will babble nonsense of all she done for our success.
I'm like one, you called me a failure. Yet I have been working since I was 14 on my talents alone until now. It was my money and my own stress that has done anything for me while she prances around with my step fathers money doing jack shit like a leech. An I know she was hoping to ride my brothers coat tail when he graduated but lo and behold he had a break down cause of her and just isolates himself in his room making money online and ignores everyone. Funny how the cycle is just the same as it was for me.
Financial abuse - now this is something my mom has been trying to do since I was a teen. Even going as far as claiming to set up a bank in my name and her name when I was a teen for my paypal when I first started doing commissions. I have to thank past baby me for not being a fucking idiot and having good instincts and telling her no. What I did was have my friend take me to a bank and set up a student account from there. As I got older into my 20's even up until recently she has tried every avenue to get my money to use for herself and financially control/ hold me from moving on. Which I told her..yeah no this is what I work for an I have to complete the work first anyways before spending. Since this is artwork owed.
She would make it a point to steam roll over what was explained to her to get my money which after a while I had to say NO and never gave her a dime. This resulted in her saying I provide nothing for the house hold. I'm like didn't ask you to buy the house and I take care of myself and my child so kindly fuck off. I mean she even said for the household every person for themselves. Even when I offered to help initially only for her to go back on it when she needed money for her snake oil pills for something she self diagnosed her self with. After a while I just noticed a pattern with her and other people's money. Not just me but so many others...she's a leech who looks for a meal ticket and if she doesn't have to work she wont and just use other people and belittle them even when they do help her. She does it to my step dad now and I wasn't falling for that damn trap.
She would make it a point to steam roll over what was explained to her to get my money which after a while I had to say NO and never gave her a dime. This resulted in her saying I provide nothing for the house hold. I'm like didn't ask you to buy the house and I take care of myself and my child so kindly fuck off. I mean she even said for the household every person for themselves. Even when I offered to help initially only for her to go back on it when she needed money for her snake oil pills for something she self diagnosed her self with. After a while I just noticed a pattern with her and other people's money. Not just me but so many others...she's a leech who looks for a meal ticket and if she doesn't have to work she wont and just use other people and belittle them even when they do help her. She does it to my step dad now and I wasn't falling for that damn trap.
Did I mention.. I paid rent for a tiny af room... that every fucking day I would hear her arguing or talking shit to my grandma who she knows has beef with my step dad while he was at work. Isolating him when he would get home after work. The same job that pays majority of the bills. She has admitted to using him financially for the bills, to me which is why she wont leave him. Mind you she only claims to want to leave him because and I quote "has no conversation/doesn't want to educate himself". An by that she means why doesn't he go along with her conspiracy theories. The noise level was insane... in the house. An I worked from home. As you can see a pattern. Not bending to her ways but she will gladly take your money anything she doesn't have to actually work for :/
An these are just the sprinkles on the shit icing on the shit filled cake :/
What I can say is that I'm proud of my self for processing all of this finally. I'm glad I'm able to put my foot down and say fuck it. I'm tired of trying for this family structure my mom has always been okay sabotaging just for her disgusting ways. It's okay to say hey I've tried not once, not twice, but numerous times. That some people never wanted to be parents nor do they know how to raise a child in a healthy manner. Let alone fixing the damage they have done within their childhood and at least make up for it in their adulthood.
Mind you I was more than willing to do on multiple occasions. This just shows me she's a narcissist with control issues and is okay with being abusive because she can not recognize she is wrong for majority she has done to me, my brother, and the family as a whole. This includes about the lies she has told about my father and my asian side.
I can honestly say I will never let her back in my life no matter how many times she tries. Even when she sends my grandmother or stepfather to talk to me. She can officially fuck off for the rest of my life. An if she is brought up, I'm going to kindly tell my folks I don't care to have any form of contact with her. Enough for 10+ years is enough.
Anyways on more of a positive note. I officially Have an apartment! It's a studio but its so cute and set up like a one bedroom. Where the big kitchen and bathroom with skylight is sectioned off. Which makes the space huge for me. I actually go to pick up my stuff from my folks house this Monday and its the last interaction I will have with my mother entirely.
I personally can not wait to decorate my apartment. This time no shit fuck scammy roomies! I live completely alone in my own space. Where I don't have to worry about having my money stolen or coming home to a filthy apartment covered in animal shit. My own space, FINALLY!! As you can see I'm beyond excited about this. The rent isn't that bad seeing how it's the city. But I will have to face the facts Commissions can no longer be my only income. It can help with things but I can only see struggle if I pay my rent with commissions only.
For one, I have a queue. I haven't been able to work on since feb 4th since I do not have access to my computer or any of my work supplies. However I will be getting them Monday. I still wont be able to do anything until April 5th the latest, since I have to buy my internet along with pay my first month rent. An on top of that I have to unpack everything and start looking for outside work.
The good news about being in my location which I will keep private for now, is the art and queer scene here is insanely active. I'm A-okay with finding a remote job while also looking for an art related job while I build my portfolio.
The good news about being in my location which I will keep private for now, is the art and queer scene here is insanely active. I'm A-okay with finding a remote job while also looking for an art related job while I build my portfolio.
Aaaaaaaaaaaah what a month and more work to do but finally happy I am over one of the biggest chapters in my life involving so much throughout my life. Just wanted to update that I'm safe, happy, and surrounded by my chosen family. Who are loving people in my life who have gotten me on my feet the minute I fell... hell even before it all happened. Sometimes family doesn't have to be blood but who people are there to stick by you through the rough times as well as your happy times. I love em all and its good I'm turning my back on my blood for much healthier bonds who have shown me nothing but consistency.
Like I said tough month but new exciting adventures filled with a healthy happier ending rather than stagnation and abuse I have been going through all my life.
