Ughh....

★Current Mood: 😥 Cold
★Listening to: DMX - Slippin'
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ughhhhh what a week..... or rather past 2 weeks. Mental health tanked but now I'm on the path to good mental health after having a huge break down. I got a therapist and my old psychiatrists back. Thank goodness my info still on file with her since 2016. 5 years unmedicated really fucked me up.

Classes weeeee!!!!

★Current Mood: 😤 Accomplished
★Listening to: Static X - Bled For Days
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So I'm taking it upon myself and enrolled in some Chinese language classes. So vocally, it does not get rusty! Can't really practice it with family since everyone from my dad's side of the family is busy and I kind of don't want to bother my old af gramps to help me with my Mandarin. So I got classes for 1-on-1 learning and help. An classes I can schedule on my time. I stated I wanted beginners to advance, but the teacher was shocked I was picking things up so fast despite what I asked for as I signed up for her classes.

I let Xiaoyan know that the reason for me taking the classes was to keep up my cultural background with my other language, that I can not practice at home as much as I can my patois since my Chinese side speaks a lot more patois because of us kids they had. She said my pronunciation is amazing and I picked it up fast. I think its cause I already have a background in it as is with the basics. Which honestly is nice. Because of my fast learning, I got my first pdf textbook and got homework already. 

I'm actually excited and have to do independent study until my next class that's on Wednesday. 

While learning with her, I also picked up some interesting things from her, with the Chinese in china and the Chinese that are in Jamaica. There is things I didn't know of my own people in china that vastly differ from the ones in Jamaica where my Chinese side is from. One thing will always remain the same....is the etiquette and respect and how I speak tone wise and that alone never left me even as a child till now. So it makes things super easy for me. It just feels so nice to finally be doing this with someone who is a native speaker and a university teacher of the language in china itself. She also made me super comfy opening up about myself to her which is different than my norm.

One thing I hate to explain to people is my background in terms of mix, in detail cause you get the real non asian fetishy folks that want to go "WELL ACTUALLY..." to someone who is asian. All cause they hopeless fetish pop media, anime, or fetish the people in an ideal that isn't real. Or from folks online that not everything revolves in one location in terms of language, dialect, or he people themselves. Americans are one of the main perpetrators. Then being in the art community you got non asian fetishy artists acting like they know it TF all about us, putting such insensitive shit in their content. Knowing damn well they don't respect us as people but we sure are a quick gimmick cash grab bag for em. So talking to them on shit I actually experience turns into a dick pump fest. An I'm like shaaaaduuuuuuuuuuuup. Not to mention my mix is insanely common in the islands I'm not remotely special, but a product of both populations on the islands being huge and interacting.

When I was talking to my teacher she was more excited and amazed how far our culture has traveled. If not full out amazed at even hearing my patois dialect mingle so well in Mandarin. Which growing up not being exposed early to non Jamaican Chinese I thought it was very normal to have the patois dialect in Chinese. As I got older I realized wait.. something is a bit different here lol. She liked my dialect, she hasn't heard  it before and it sounds so pretty and soft yet powerful when I speak Chinese. I blush! After she asked if I've taken classes before when I picked up things so fast. An she's an elder, so it feels good man. Now I feel confident I can make my mandarin as strong as my patois which is nice. After mandarin I will be taking classes to work on my Koramonti, which is the tongue of my indigenous elders in Jamaica, they still talk today. Which I can easily find, since its still spoken in west Africa today! So there is bound to be an online teacher somewhere :P

What a great day and night... well I'm off to organize, do some homework, work on commissions then put my ass to bed.

Really???....

★Current Mood: 😡 Angry
★Listening to: Powerman 5000 - Supernova Goes Pop
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Yuh know its really starting to piss me off with how cute people like to be with me online. Imma be real I ain't for the switch up or the word play.

Someone dmed me that someone was " ripping off my style" and honestly I don't care if people take inspo from my art. Unless racially charged, stalkerish, or just fetish creep shit with my art or my online presence which has happened before many times, that I handle with a simple block. I don't got time for no freak ass folks online in my age. I'm pretty okay with folks being inspired by me though. It don't bug me. What pissed me tf off  to the point of making a comment on the submission was the obvious misgendering.  

Mind you others commented saying um....clearly this isn't about style inspiration, it was calling a transman a she. And my pronouns are on any site I'm on are the first thing on my page before any information. So yuh know...I don't believe that shit even more so with how dismissive she was even when saying sorry..it just seemed like okay what ever I said sorry but its fine. An someone nicely corrected them and I commented so pple wouldn't dogpile cause I ain't for that, but had to be blunt and stern with the misgendering shit. This person has legit faved out my majority of my gallery and follows me. And your telling me you cant read the first thing you see on my page when it loads muh nigga?

So sick of this shit nor do I care to accept apologies, while I'm not hateful nor hold no beef I am insanely tempted to just block because I don't care to tolerate this shit and  their dismissive behavior with them coming to note me like waaaah I feel so embarrassed and it shouldn't have been public. Oh fuck off. Intentional or untentional...it was still pretty transphobic even more so the responses.  An the fact they arn't focusing on the misgendering and harping on the style thing..like how many times I gotta tell you I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK IF SOMEONE TAKES INSPO FROM ME. IVE BEEN ONLINE FOR 20 YEARS POSTING PUBLICALLY. ITS GON HAPPEN!

You think niggas wont peep me all those years and take inspo from me, its a given. An some have out right told me and I'm more than okay with it as long as you arn't being a fetishy creep racist about it. I'm like that's not the point...and stated so openly so no one would come after her for that. Like you admitted you take reference, I wouldn't care if you admitted it or not. But really... you fave out a niggas gallery, claim I inspire you and completely ignore their trans?  Then be dismissive when called on it by me and others like...bro.

I'mma think hard on the block with this cause honestly I really don't like the tone what so ever with that dismissive transphobia with some half ass sorry cause you know you offended me. I'm not gonna be like "awww baby boo hoo its okay". It's not, I know you can read. Or just say sorry with out this BS backhanded shit after. I'm so good on that. 

Anyways the misgerndering shit blew my mood for the day and I'm already feeling a bit off with my transness cause I called for HRT only to be told I'm in for a long wait to even get an appointment to see if I can get it. So yeah what ever.... already in a grumpy piss TF off mood.

Sleepy buuuuuuuuuuuut..... must art practice

★Current Mood: 💀 Exhausted
★Listening to: Mindless Self Indulgence - Get It Up
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Messing with some brushes OuO;;;

Made one fade brush and some funny bristle and its actually working for me. this is way out of the norm with how I approach coloring but..hey...I don't like being stuck in the same bs technique. I love interest so damn fast even with my own work.

Some interesting brush tips I was able to add textures to and It worked out for me.

doing mock up icons to test them out.

An here is a very wet brush I was working on which I have to find again in my tools settings but its beyond interesting and I did some tester doodles I might actually finish.

and the casual canvas texture brushes I made that I usually use

In other news I invested and got a 11 x 17 flat bed scanner because honestly I sometimes feel limited to to 8.5 x 11 paper. An I do like working big. I think with this I can tackle some of my bigger comms and get em over and done with. Because I used to hate working big, then photo-merging my art back together in photoshop, its so god damn annoying. But now I don't have to anymore. WOOT! 

I honestly should of invested in a scanner like this for years...Idk wtf I was even thinking... clearly not investing in my art and investing more in my frustrations. LOL

later mi homos

Time to do me....

★Current Mood: 👹 Predatory
★Listening to: RAMIREZ. - 100 Bars & Gunnin (Prod. Kendrick)
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Gave it a long big THINK! and I'm going to get testosterone behind my folks back. It's not like the changes will be drastically noticeable. I already grow intense body hair among other things due to the fact I already produce a heavy amount of testosterone normally. I grow a beard and stash already that I have to shave every damn 2-3 days, so not much will heavily change. It's my voice that will really let them know something is up... but the deed will already be done.

At this point I'm almost 30...and I'm not gonna live the rest of my life in fear of my cultures..in fear of abandonment by family..none of that. I already know my family now has an attachment to me. An even when I get T and change a bit.. I'm the only one that cares for my family being the oldest and will take care of them when they need it. So I know I'm depended on in that right ...so that's one ace in my corner.

I'm gonna be checking out this place at the lgbtq+ bronx center which I know a few other trans niggas irl told me about this place. But I ain't think to actually look into this place until now untill my partner pointed out this place close to me again. It ain't too far from my crib either. So I'm gonna take a look into this by giving them a call today. Wish me luck!

BIG VACATION! GET!!!

★Current Mood: 😍 Satisfied
★Listening to: Kamiyada+ - Bleed Like I Bleed
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HOLY FUCK!!! 

What a week. I was supposed to come home after my Halloween weekend this past Monday buuuuuuut I was able to stay another week till Saturday and I'm so happy I did! Guess who got some pics to share with yalls. Like I said I would! Didn't take too much but hey I was living in the moment.

Took Amtrak to get to Philly from NYC, when I got there we were closer to Philly's china town. Which is where me and my boopie, Kish had our date and gosh I was in love with the food it reminded me of the home cooking I was used to. 

As you can see I needed to stop at their local vape shops, it was a must
 

Also a gift from my boopie. They were keeping it hush hush until I saw them and its from an artist that focuses on black/ asian fusion art and..I'm sayin.. the way my jaw dropped when I saw this shirt!!! GIVE MY BOO A ROUND OF APPLAUSE CAUSE THIS IS THE BEST GIFT EVER. Gon wear TF out this shirt.. just you watch me.