Man... just fuck it! (back to work)

★Current Mood: 😐 Exanimate
★Listening to: Lil' Kim- Slippin
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Man.... what a year and what a damn week that started off horrid and personally to me ended down right awful. I'm kind of fearful of what the rest of the weeks left of December will have in store for me, cause I'm personally not in the mood. Just a ton of IRL bs. Getting jerked around by doctors rn and its making me nervous about my health. My mental health has not been the greatest in the world the last few months. An I'm saying this as vague as possible so I don't scare folks nor do I care to be having my emotions on blast like that...when it comes to mental illness. Never been the type... but it is what it is. So its frustrating the hell out of me to have doctors not know wtf they are doing. Also taking the time to solely focus on myself and my art for a long while. Though isolating isn't ideal. Its the only time I can actually fucking get anything done for myself as well as my work and actually show progress.

Now onto fun ideas.. I have a few oc stuff on back log that I'm just itching to touch. Working on a comic that shortly explains the dynamic between my sona and my oc Rodney since he is also part of my sona's universe. But looking at the concept art, while nicely fleshed out I'm going to have to redo them entirely and do some inking process research to actually get stuff done. As well as going through my sketch back log folder to see what I can color and get out of my personal art folder. NTM... finish a few universe bios to at least post on my site..cause its all piling TF up... but yuh know my health comes first before personal and comms.

An oop new social updates. So from now on I will solely be using twitter as just an art page. Its way too distracting other wise and tbh for the best, since I just really want to use it to just display my work rn vs anything else. I been wanted to do this for like 2 years, but I was way to lazy to clear out following and just have it as a gallery type set up. Where I don't check it unless I'm going to post art.

Now that I have more time to focus on me a bit, things should be getting back to normal with not only commissions but also personal work. Gonna use that to just heal up after this year...too much has been going on and my brain is pretty much burnt out. Time to drown myself into my work. Ah yes the ultimate remedy. Well..that's what I like to tell myself anyways

Holidays!!!

★Current Mood: 💖 Bouncy
★Listening to: Nine Inch Nails - We're In This Together
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Already the holidays for me and I'm exhausted but super fucking excited!! I get to spend a week with my philly cheese steak, full of adventures and dates galore. I have been excited for weeks if not down right anxious waiting for this date to come and I get to see my boopie this Saturday!

Not much art was created between my last visit till now both personal and commission wise. Honestly it has been a nice break to focus on my health both mentally/physically. However going to bring my sketchbook and  some markers with me to see if I can doodle some :p. Not sure how much will get done tbh since the week is spread out and planned but maybe something!!!

On to lovely news, me and my partner was able to get my lil cubling a switch for x-mas. They have been sold out completely in NYC since I last saw my boopie. However they were able to snatch one in their location out of state, that we went halfsies on. I'm hollerin so hard cause this is gonna make my daughter scream. I thought I wouldn't be able to get her a thing for x-mas cause that's literally all she wanted. An my partner basically was like not on my watch and found one in their area. 

Gosh I love them so much 

This year just ended so well and they made it possible.

Anyways not much of an update but still happy and exited! 

I'll see yalls in a week after my vacation and after x-mas! 

I'll be sure to have holiday/date pics to shared!!!

Ughh....

★Current Mood: 😥 Cold
★Listening to: DMX - Slippin'
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ughhhhh what a week..... or rather past 2 weeks. Mental health tanked but now I'm on the path to good mental health after having a huge break down. I got a therapist and my old psychiatrists back. Thank goodness my info still on file with her since 2016. 5 years unmedicated really fucked me up.

Classes weeeee!!!!

★Current Mood: 😤 Accomplished
★Listening to: Static X - Bled For Days
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So I'm taking it upon myself and enrolled in some Chinese language classes. So vocally, it does not get rusty! Can't really practice it with family since everyone from my dad's side of the family is busy and I kind of don't want to bother my old af gramps to help me with my Mandarin. So I got classes for 1-on-1 learning and help. An classes I can schedule on my time. I stated I wanted beginners to advance, but the teacher was shocked I was picking things up so fast despite what I asked for as I signed up for her classes.

I let Xiaoyan know that the reason for me taking the classes was to keep up my cultural background with my other language, that I can not practice at home as much as I can my patois since my Chinese side speaks a lot more patois because of us kids they had. She said my pronunciation is amazing and I picked it up fast. I think its cause I already have a background in it as is with the basics. Which honestly is nice. Because of my fast learning, I got my first pdf textbook and got homework already. 

I'm actually excited and have to do independent study until my next class that's on Wednesday. 

While learning with her, I also picked up some interesting things from her, with the Chinese in china and the Chinese that are in Jamaica. There is things I didn't know of my own people in china that vastly differ from the ones in Jamaica where my Chinese side is from. One thing will always remain the same....is the etiquette and respect and how I speak tone wise and that alone never left me even as a child till now. So it makes things super easy for me. It just feels so nice to finally be doing this with someone who is a native speaker and a university teacher of the language in china itself. She also made me super comfy opening up about myself to her which is different than my norm.

One thing I hate to explain to people is my background in terms of mix, in detail cause you get the real non asian fetishy folks that want to go "WELL ACTUALLY..." to someone who is asian. All cause they hopeless fetish pop media, anime, or fetish the people in an ideal that isn't real. Or from folks online that not everything revolves in one location in terms of language, dialect, or he people themselves. Americans are one of the main perpetrators. Then being in the art community you got non asian fetishy artists acting like they know it TF all about us, putting such insensitive shit in their content. Knowing damn well they don't respect us as people but we sure are a quick gimmick cash grab bag for em. So talking to them on shit I actually experience turns into a dick pump fest. An I'm like shaaaaduuuuuuuuuuuup. Not to mention my mix is insanely common in the islands I'm not remotely special, but a product of both populations on the islands being huge and interacting.

When I was talking to my teacher she was more excited and amazed how far our culture has traveled. If not full out amazed at even hearing my patois dialect mingle so well in Mandarin. Which growing up not being exposed early to non Jamaican Chinese I thought it was very normal to have the patois dialect in Chinese. As I got older I realized wait.. something is a bit different here lol. She liked my dialect, she hasn't heard  it before and it sounds so pretty and soft yet powerful when I speak Chinese. I blush! After she asked if I've taken classes before when I picked up things so fast. An she's an elder, so it feels good man. Now I feel confident I can make my mandarin as strong as my patois which is nice. After mandarin I will be taking classes to work on my Koramonti, which is the tongue of my indigenous elders in Jamaica, they still talk today. Which I can easily find, since its still spoken in west Africa today! So there is bound to be an online teacher somewhere :P

What a great day and night... well I'm off to organize, do some homework, work on commissions then put my ass to bed.

Really???....

★Current Mood: 😡 Angry
★Listening to: Powerman 5000 - Supernova Goes Pop
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Yuh know its really starting to piss me off with how cute people like to be with me online. Imma be real I ain't for the switch up or the word play.

Someone dmed me that someone was " ripping off my style" and honestly I don't care if people take inspo from my art. Unless racially charged, stalkerish, or just fetish creep shit with my art or my online presence which has happened before many times, that I handle with a simple block. I don't got time for no freak ass folks online in my age. I'm pretty okay with folks being inspired by me though. It don't bug me. What pissed me tf off  to the point of making a comment on the submission was the obvious misgendering.  

Mind you others commented saying um....clearly this isn't about style inspiration, it was calling a transman a she. And my pronouns are on any site I'm on are the first thing on my page before any information. So yuh know...I don't believe that shit even more so with how dismissive she was even when saying sorry..it just seemed like okay what ever I said sorry but its fine. An someone nicely corrected them and I commented so pple wouldn't dogpile cause I ain't for that, but had to be blunt and stern with the misgendering shit. This person has legit faved out my majority of my gallery and follows me. And your telling me you cant read the first thing you see on my page when it loads muh nigga?

So sick of this shit nor do I care to accept apologies, while I'm not hateful nor hold no beef I am insanely tempted to just block because I don't care to tolerate this shit and  their dismissive behavior with them coming to note me like waaaah I feel so embarrassed and it shouldn't have been public. Oh fuck off. Intentional or untentional...it was still pretty transphobic even more so the responses.  An the fact they arn't focusing on the misgendering and harping on the style thing..like how many times I gotta tell you I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK IF SOMEONE TAKES INSPO FROM ME. IVE BEEN ONLINE FOR 20 YEARS POSTING PUBLICALLY. ITS GON HAPPEN!

You think niggas wont peep me all those years and take inspo from me, its a given. An some have out right told me and I'm more than okay with it as long as you arn't being a fetishy creep racist about it. I'm like that's not the point...and stated so openly so no one would come after her for that. Like you admitted you take reference, I wouldn't care if you admitted it or not. But really... you fave out a niggas gallery, claim I inspire you and completely ignore their trans?  Then be dismissive when called on it by me and others like...bro.

I'mma think hard on the block with this cause honestly I really don't like the tone what so ever with that dismissive transphobia with some half ass sorry cause you know you offended me. I'm not gonna be like "awww baby boo hoo its okay". It's not, I know you can read. Or just say sorry with out this BS backhanded shit after. I'm so good on that. 

Anyways the misgerndering shit blew my mood for the day and I'm already feeling a bit off with my transness cause I called for HRT only to be told I'm in for a long wait to even get an appointment to see if I can get it. So yeah what ever.... already in a grumpy piss TF off mood.

Sleepy buuuuuuuuuuuut..... must art practice

★Current Mood: 💀 Exhausted
★Listening to: Mindless Self Indulgence - Get It Up
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Messing with some brushes OuO;;;

Made one fade brush and some funny bristle and its actually working for me. this is way out of the norm with how I approach coloring but..hey...I don't like being stuck in the same bs technique. I love interest so damn fast even with my own work.

Some interesting brush tips I was able to add textures to and It worked out for me.

doing mock up icons to test them out.

An here is a very wet brush I was working on which I have to find again in my tools settings but its beyond interesting and I did some tester doodles I might actually finish.

and the casual canvas texture brushes I made that I usually use

In other news I invested and got a 11 x 17 flat bed scanner because honestly I sometimes feel limited to to 8.5 x 11 paper. An I do like working big. I think with this I can tackle some of my bigger comms and get em over and done with. Because I used to hate working big, then photo-merging my art back together in photoshop, its so god damn annoying. But now I don't have to anymore. WOOT! 

I honestly should of invested in a scanner like this for years...Idk wtf I was even thinking... clearly not investing in my art and investing more in my frustrations. LOL

later mi homos

Time to do me....

★Current Mood: 👹 Predatory
★Listening to: RAMIREZ. - 100 Bars & Gunnin (Prod. Kendrick)
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Gave it a long big THINK! and I'm going to get testosterone behind my folks back. It's not like the changes will be drastically noticeable. I already grow intense body hair among other things due to the fact I already produce a heavy amount of testosterone normally. I grow a beard and stash already that I have to shave every damn 2-3 days, so not much will heavily change. It's my voice that will really let them know something is up... but the deed will already be done.

At this point I'm almost 30...and I'm not gonna live the rest of my life in fear of my cultures..in fear of abandonment by family..none of that. I already know my family now has an attachment to me. An even when I get T and change a bit.. I'm the only one that cares for my family being the oldest and will take care of them when they need it. So I know I'm depended on in that right ...so that's one ace in my corner.

I'm gonna be checking out this place at the lgbtq+ bronx center which I know a few other trans niggas irl told me about this place. But I ain't think to actually look into this place until now untill my partner pointed out this place close to me again. It ain't too far from my crib either. So I'm gonna take a look into this by giving them a call today. Wish me luck!

BIG VACATION! GET!!!

★Current Mood: 😍 Satisfied
★Listening to: Kamiyada+ - Bleed Like I Bleed
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HOLY FUCK!!! 

What a week. I was supposed to come home after my Halloween weekend this past Monday buuuuuuut I was able to stay another week till Saturday and I'm so happy I did! Guess who got some pics to share with yalls. Like I said I would! Didn't take too much but hey I was living in the moment.

Took Amtrak to get to Philly from NYC, when I got there we were closer to Philly's china town. Which is where me and my boopie, Kish had our date and gosh I was in love with the food it reminded me of the home cooking I was used to. 

As you can see I needed to stop at their local vape shops, it was a must
 

Also a gift from my boopie. They were keeping it hush hush until I saw them and its from an artist that focuses on black/ asian fusion art and..I'm sayin.. the way my jaw dropped when I saw this shirt!!! GIVE MY BOO A ROUND OF APPLAUSE CAUSE THIS IS THE BEST GIFT EVER. Gon wear TF out this shirt.. just you watch me.

See you next week hoochies!

★Current Mood: 😍 Excited
★Listening to: Kamiyada+ - Mistake (Prod. ZCR)
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YES FUCKIN YES!!!!

FINALLY THE DAY IS HERE!! I SEE MY LOVE AFTER MONTHS FROM OUR LAST VISIT!
AN IN A FEW HOURS I GET TO SEE THEM!!!!

I still have stuff to pack sadly.....I have yet to pick out my outfits other than packing accessories and one pair of pants...but yuh know I got way too excited. An I needed to get my hair done last minute....Having a mom who is a professional hairstylist ain't all its cracked up to be..... My cornrows got my scalp bumpin something fierce....sheesh  

Now that the majors are out of the way, I can at least get some sleep and do what I gotta do early in the morning @_@;;;;;;;

I will see you guys next week..I need this break to fuck off for a bit. But once I'm back its back to working on commissions. I'll be sure to take some pictures, this weekend is sure to be a damn blast! No contact with me though. I ain't answering my phone nor replying to messages...it's me and my boo time. Time for fun and HOE-tastic adventures!  HAPPY HALLOWEEN MY SPOOKY BITCHES!!!!

FULLY VACCINATED BABY!

★Current Mood: ❓ Thoughtful

★Listening to: Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13- The devil made me do it
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So I got my second and final covid shot yesterday and I'm so happy and proud of myself. I didn't really get any symptoms at all. My first shot I had nothing. The second one I did have semi sore and I got tired and took a nap. Thought when I woke up I was normal which was literally at around 10 pm even though I got my shot at 3:30pm. At least now I'm confident to just chill out with friends again and actually be able to travel now, anywhere I want to.

Counting down the days till I can see my boopie which is literally only 2 more days really. I still have to get my hair done and start packing my bags for my Saturday train ride. Gosh yes, I'm so ready for this Halloween celebration. So exhausted and I just need a break. I'm ready.

I want to start some commissions before I leave but at this rate not sure if possible until next week buuuuut I will see. I want to start 3 rendered sketch pages. Mind you they are already sketched out, so I just need to scan and color. At least start them all with color foundation and start packing by Friday. An as well as getting my hair done...so I can be outies by Saturday. Ughh I'm soooooo tired just thinking about doing all this honestly... but oh well. Just trying to make it till I leave out of NYC for a bit.

Skeet skeet skeet with all the fixins

★Current Mood: 👻 Excited
★Listening to: Set The Charge - Deviant
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Oh gosh 6 more days till I see my fave philly cheese steak oh yum!  Gonna be nice getting away from the bronx for a bit. We gon be busy...with Halloween partying/costume party, date nights and some other fun activities...yuh know HAHA

I'm just excited and trying to get some commissions done way before I see him next Saturday. But just my luck I was about to finish off one tonight before I realized my fuckin tablet pen died... good lord. Yuh know one thing I miss from working strictly traditional....I didn't have to worry about recharging supplies like I do with my tablet pen. So annoying *eye roll*

I mean traditional supplies ain't cheap but god its infuriating when you are in an art mood and your tablet pen just stops. What an art boner killer. Should be fully charged by morning but I really wanted to get that portrait comm done before this weekend, since Saturdays are my damn date nights with my boopie. But might just have to do it before and during my date.  
That's my day off but eeh I'm legit almost done so I might have too.. while I'm still in the art mood

Speaking on being an in artsy mood... I have so much to finish before 2021 on my personal traditional art sketchbook before this year is up... RIP ME....well at least pple will have something pretty to look at 

Beyond art productivity I have super into getting back into old films. I rewatched Creep show and currently watching Disturbing behavior. I haven't watched these films since I was a damn kid in the 90's. They are so good and boosting my mood since yesterdays episode of What we do in the shadows crashed it. Enjoying my old movie kick as of late though so I cant fully complain.

WTF MAN!!!!!!???

★Current Mood: 😰 Sad
★Listening to: Orgy- Chasing Sirens
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So I just finished watching season 3 episode 9 of  What we do in the shadows and I'm just in shock that Colin Robinson is dead. Like what a god damn twist that energy vampires have a life span of 100 years exactly. An now he is completely killed off from the series. This legit struck me... I have no clue what to say other than.... that I'm shocked and super sad.....jeeeez. I was hoping none of the main cast died off but that shook me more than any series yet. He was my fave vampire from the series. Granted I love all the main cast but his dry humor really helped balance out the other character's eccentric natures. The way this is carrying on... I don't know if there will be a season 4.

I noticed a small decline in the show itself after season 1 slightly into 2 and I just feel the episodes have been a bit weird after Guillermo was revealed to be part of a vampire hunter bloodline. An from there....the series just kind of seemed to get so random and kind of like vampire Seinfeld with barely any plot now. There is a ton of plot holes atm that I don't think will be fully explained. I just hope there is a season 4 and maybe things will be answered and pick up. *crosses fingers*

CHUCKY!!!!!!!!!!

★Current Mood: 😱 Excited

★Listening to: Murderdolls - Die My Bride
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So I just watched the first 2 episodes of the chucky Tv series and this shit got me rolling. I'm a huge Child's play fan, hell I even watched all the chucky movies that many think are trash after bride of chucky. But honestly, I thought they were charming. I even watched the new Child's play which I loved. But this Tv series is goddamn funny and amazing so far. I haven't been this excited for a series since what we do in the shadows. 

Like this scene alone got me 

So fucking good so happy to have a new series to watch. I actually forgot this was going to be a thing for the longest from when I heard rumors of it in the works. I kinda wish more shows were like squid games cause...I would just like to binge this series. *huffs*

Aww boo hoo puppy bitch

★Current Mood: 😈 Bitchy

★Listening to: Hole - Violet 
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Oh I love catching up with a homie only to know my ex Blackwolf is still but hurt that I dropped his ass cause he cheated on me in 2019. I swear Gotham City Halo breeds a bunch of these fucks in the alternative scene here. An so glad I left the community this year. I personally could not take all the accusations I was hearing with the community leaders that were eventually proven true. But let me not side track..back to this pup bitch. Like why are you still hung up on it? I had my suspicions since February 2019 when he kept getting gifts from some chick that seemed a bit too intimate. Then his attitude started to get cold emotionally. I'm like BET! Cause he must of thought I was stupid.

But all his friends even noticed something wasn't right and I found out officially from his best friend(now ex friend and now my bestie :p) how he lied to me saying he had to work. An what he did was go to her B-day with that chick she also knew. Telling my friend how I was busy but little did Blackwolf know she texted me and I told her I wasn't busy. Hell, even if it was commissions I could of tapped out for the day to celebrate her B-day. It's a special day after all. An it all clicked.  He told me the women worked at his job..was a lie was a college bud that lived down the block from him. What's funny is my friend kept brining me up which got the girl pissed. I love my lioness she is way pettier than me and I love the shade so much when its needed. So I left his smutty ass.

I just find it funny to this day he is still butt hurt about it enough for shit to get back to my home girl thinking the walls don't got ears. NYC is small dickhead, learn to recognize that. However, I love when people fuck me over, lie to me, and betray my trust..and their life is stagnant, fucked up, or falls apart. I'm like oooOOOOO karma got you good huh? It's devilishly sweet. An no, I ain't no saint... I can be petty after you hurt me and I love that KARMA IS THAT BITCH! Just for me 

Feel's so good when people get their just desserts! An I'm glad me and my homegurl could laugh about this at our dinner meet up. Maybe if  he was that pressed he shouldn't have cheated and been better. Could careless cause now I got the sweetest boopie ever. So my ex can suck me from the back.